And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
