i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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