I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
