wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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