Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
