I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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