I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
