I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
