This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
