Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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