My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Everyone says I win the strip club
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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