i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
