hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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