i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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