the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
