Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
