You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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