So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Randomize
