I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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