you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
