hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Operation Purity has been aborted
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Randomize