Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
