I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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