Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
