Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize