dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
