My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
