He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
