well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm passing your future prison.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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