see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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