My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i love accidental penises.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
