before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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