i already hear my dad disowning me
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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