Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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