You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
