Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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