so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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