a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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