Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
