she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
