how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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