you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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