I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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