I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
