I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize