Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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