its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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