??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
