I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
