My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Someone came in the potted fern
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
