Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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