i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize