I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
