You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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