We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My life is pants optional.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
