I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
did i just pee glitter
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