Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You left your phone here
Wait...
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