Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize
