When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize