my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
