He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
