I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
