I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
