my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize